I Can't Hear You: The Loudest Silent Days Ever

Today was exceptionally difficult.  I am trapped once again in my own personal kind of hell.  One that no one around me can tell is happening except maybe for the constant repeating of the word "What?"  You see, I have a cold.  So what, you say?  So what? I wish I could say.  But I never get a "normal" person cold; you know the miserable kind with the sore throat and the stuffy nose that sucks, but goes away on its own or with a few of days of cold meds and rest.  Nope, every time I get a cold I get fluid in my ears.  Every. single. time.  Without fail.  Many times a year.  Since I was a kid. I am now 43.  This is what happens when I this condition develops:

• I cannot hear my children; I can see their mouths moving but unless I am right up next to them I cannot understand the words coming out of them.
• I cannot hear most other adults unless they are speaking loudly.
• I cannot judge how loud I am talking, which makes me self-conscious, particularly in the workplace and in public.
• My tinnitus (ringing in the the ears) that I have all the time gets exponentially worse.  It is so loud that it causes headaches.
• Sounds that do get through (like my own voice, for example) are amplified in my head so loud it is ridiculous.  I can even hear the sound of my own breathing.
• I have to strain to hear, which is very tiring.
• I cancel plans because it is just too much work to continually explain to people that you can't hear them.  Also, being outside the house subjects me to far more noises than inside, which just aggravates the condition.
• I do not get my "regular" hearing back typically for weeks.
• Each time this happens, my hearing loss gets a little worse than it already is.

I have consulted a great ENT; I have scoured the Internet.  There is no cure or solution.  You see, my condition is caused by me having small eustacian tubes.  Eustacian tubes are part of the inner ear that helps keep fluid in your ear draining properly.  Except mine don't do their job when I am sick.  Therefore, fluid builds up behind my eardrum, to the point where the last couple of times I have had this condition, a tiny hole has been popped in my eardrum and the ear drains all by itself.  That is not supposed to happen.  Any holes in the ear drum, no matter how small, cause scar tissue, which over time lead to more and more hearing loss.

I have 2 options: wait it out (i.e. time...weeks usually), or at some point opt for having tubes in my ears.  I have not chosen the tubes route because it is a temporary solution, lasting a year at best before the tubes fall out and I am right back where I started, except for another little bit of scar tissue on my eardrum, which eventually will lead to more hearing loss than I already have.  And, I do have hearing loss in the range of where most adult voices lie even without the fluid in my ears.

It is a vicious circle.  It makes me extremely irritable.  It makes me depressed (it is one of the very few things in life that does this; I am generally a happy person).  It makes me want to scream, but that would hurt my ears and my head even more.  I can't stand when people act silly about it (mouthing words but not really talking), or do not remember my requests (i.e. please speak up, speak clearly, and don't look away when talking to me).

Ears are the least studied part of the human body, I have read.  They are virtually inaccessible to really examine in detail unless done in an autopsy.  So, I muddle through, slowly and with much frustration.  This too shall pass, this too shall pass.